By Chioma Udemgba, MD. I got called a lady boss the other day! It was an amazing feeling to have received this high praise! The compliment came from one of the interns in my program. She shared with me and a co-resident that she was in awe of my all-female resident class. It was so cool to see us through her eyes. And I as reveled in my awe-inspiring greatness, I started to think of all the queens and ladybosses that I knew—all of the extraordinary, intelligent, caring, boundless, and beautiful women that I had gone to medical school or worked side-by-side in residency.
It's called selfishness and inability to set priorities. It has nothing to do with their career. It has to do with their character. I completely agree with you! My doctor husband also has a daughter from a previous marriage who he travels to see every other weekend. Anytime he is with me and "our" son he is on call, distracted or "needs" time to watch football and golf. I am the bitch who doesn't understand anything.
By the way I work full time about 60 hours a week with my company and seem to never miss anything for my kid and can do all his bullshit also. You all are strong for staying but I just don't see how it is possible long term to live like this.5 Medical School Myths under 90 SECONDS!
I was so pleased to read that all Doctor's wives are like myself. We have been married for nearly 28 years and yes I went to parents evening, open days, Christmas play, sports days alone Because of the long hours, it was hard for me to build a career outside the home, I have built one working from home, but was not easy as I do everything that has to do with our family life even when we go on holiday the only thing Dr know is where we are going!
No one appreciates how demanding it is unless they have lived it, many friends over the years said to me "lucky you, you are married to a Doctor! I respect what my husband does but I have nothing but my pets and a dusty Ivy Leaguedegree. My husband is a doc in the UK so I moved 7, miles for love. It takes a special person to be a doctor's spouse. This is a reply to all. I love my husband so much, but 40 years of loneliness has been more than difficult. I went back to school and received a Master's degree from a prestigious university Driving more than an hour each way 6 days a week to so; doing several excavation seasons and tons of research in order to achieve a cherished goal that had been denied me as a young woman.
My family supported me in this. So, one would one think, "yay, she works, has a life and friends and has avoided the ongoing loneliness and "empty nest syndrome". God and the Goddess had something more waiting for me. About the time I was ready to return for my doctorate a chronic illness hit.
Some days there is so much pain that I can barely type. I can no longer spend more than 30 minutes in the sun. What a joke for an archaeologist! Reading has become difficult, because I have trouble focusing.
Hiring someone to read for research does not work for a variety of reasons. I have this brain trapped after all these years.
I cherish my MD husband and Ph.
Yes, I have considered alternatives. Physical and logistic issues make the "wonderful ideas and alternative ideas "impossible. I know, there is a world, which I have traveled, that have a life so much more difficult than I. If you can, do it now. If your doctor husband says "impossible", ignore him.
Being what you can even for 2 hours a week will help. The loneliness will always be there. Your opportunities may not. I'm currently dating a medical student and we are serious about having a future together. We have already been through our fair share of struggles as a couple, but we powered through them and are stronger for them. His dedication to do anything to make our relationship work while balancing school is one of many reasons why I love him so much.
I am also in school receiving my doctorate in physical therapy, so it is easy to spend time together because we are both always studying. I love him so much, but I know I will have to make many sacrifices to be together. I have already agreed to sacrifice my lifelong dream of joining to military for his career which was devastating for me.
It was probably the hardest decision I have ever had to make but I love him and want what is best for our relationship. I feel like his degree will completely overshadows me. I know because I used to think that. I worked in a hospital for 3 years during undergrad and I was guiltily of thinking exactly that. I have worked very hard for my degree and I want to use it. He wants to be a neurosurgeon and we are only in his second year of medical school.
I can deal with the loneliness. Both of my parents were in the military growing up and were deployed all the time. Sometimes their deployments even overlapped, and they missed many birthdays, holidays, and other special occasions. I know there is a long road ahead and it is not going to be an easy one. Is there any advice the more experienced wives can share?! I never really thought about the sacrifices the wife of a doctor must make.
Lonliness is hard no matter the reason for it.
Wow, so nice to know others feel just like me! Like Suha, I have also been married almost 28 years and have done pretty much everything myself for so, so long. I know I am a strong person but it really does suck sometimes! I won't lie, there are times I have said to myself "what am I doing living like this? I remember one time I did just that with a group of friends and someone saying, "Oh you have it so rough!
It made me so very sad. All people see is the money and that's it! I really enjoy your blog and your humor. At least I know that there are people who truly understand the medical life.
There are many professions that leave the spouse carrying the bulk of every day family life. It certainly isn't easy. While my husband is not a doctor he does have a job that requires very odd hours a-typical of the American and works all holidays.
Takes some getting use to. Like you, I didn't marry for the paycheck wouldn't have done me any good. The ex gets it all lol. It time with him I value most! I think the only thing that can possibly be worse is if he was working in a different country.
I've had friends with spouses that got Fulbrights or grants to study in other countries. That's cool and everything until you realize that they're an archeologist or a missionary pilot and are in uncivilized areas with no modern methods of communication.
Glad we can be your connection to society. I think my husband would do okay with the loneliness - just like I do. Because I make myself busy, and I think he would to, with other projects and activities. What's hard for us, is he doesn't understand why I gladly accept extra hours and work and community service projects, which sometimes impinge on the little time we do have to spend together.
Being married to a doctor is a difficult thing to balance. Great post and so very true! I think I handle the lonliness a little better than most because I was an only child and like having my alone time. But it's the away rotations for months at a time that get really hard!
I love this post and this perspective. Mastering the alone time has started to become an art for me I can only imagine how you must feel after doing it for so many more years: I am so glad I found your blog today. I am a military doctor's wife, so in addition to the hideous hours, we have deployments.
Two deployments, two years away and I've reached the point where it is honestly easier when he is away. I find there are less disappointments when I know I am completely on my own. If I wasn't such a fighter and survivor I would have given up on this marriage Sitting here in the afternoon, I happened to google 'being a doctors wife' because it's a lonely day and I wanted to see if its hard for others, too.
Did my heart good! I feel you on the loneliness. She still has another year of residency but I am hoping she chooses a specialty that is not as demanding on her time. Married to a Surgeon as well. Sometimes not even a quick text most of the time. How some find time for Affairs is beyond me!!! We married in early 30's. Both independent and had the same life goals, family life plans etc. Someone or something always has his attention and focus. Not his wife and kids. Feel guilty I brought children into this loneliness They know NO different though.
I get that a lot to people saying 'be happy you married a doctor' 'u will have a glamorous wonderful life' they would not get it unless they be one-that is being a docs wife, the loneliness is the worst especially when your newly wedded and 2nd month of ur marriage he has to go for his night calls in dec, which includes our first christmas: I thought I was the only one who barely gets communication throughout the day, not married but am dating a surgeon and have for 6 years.
Not sure I want to marry one and live a lonely life, I just want a life partner that can be there for me and any future children. If I knew any better going into this relationship I would have stopped. I think about leaving all the time now because by myself there are no disappointments.
I'm sorry, but I don't pity you all. What's not to like about being a doctor's wife? You don't need to worry about living paycheck to paycheck. I guess the only risk is your husband having an affair with someone at work.
I'd rather marry a doctor and let him have a mistress on the side if that means not having to worry about money. I envy all you lonely doctor wives. If you don't want your "golden ticket" of the good life, then give me your golden ticket. If you like living on someone else's coat times, them by all means. You can even spice it up with a little "desperate housewives lifestyle". Though, not everyone is looking for a free lunch out of a marriage. Sorry for the VERY late reply!
I'm glad a couple of you doctor wives replied back. Just a woman who envies the good life of being a medical doctor's wife. I stand by my original statement.
What's NOT to like about being the wife of a medical doctor? I'm a single, financially independent woman. I'd rather marry a rich doctor and let him have his affair s on the side just so long as I don't have to work anymore.
I don't pity you at all! You really don't know how great you have it. This is such a misinformed statement. We DO live paycheck to paycheck. The idea of a rich doctor is almost antiquated. There are some left but most people don't even realize the thousands of dollars a year that go into keeping your job such as license renewels sometimes for several states if your practice in on a border and has more than one site , CME, malpractice and other insurance, hospital privileges or several if your practice has to cover several surgical sites and facilities in order to stay open , etc.
We often wonder how we will pay our bills sometimes. On top of that, we don't have personal time for each other and as a family often. I take offense to your statement about affairs. You insult my husband who is as faithful as they come and does everything he can to spend time with us and to help out. Yet, this life is hard on the whole family. By the way, I have had to get another job to help make ends meet. We are here looking for the other people who live this life and understand how difficult and, at times, painful this career is with which to live since the majority of people think like you until they see our families in action.
I have had several people tell me that now that they know our family all preconceived notions of the "doctor's wife" and the lifestyle of a doctor have completely changed. That's the difference - marrying for love vs marrying for a paycheck. If you marry for a paycheck and a lifestyle, you are nothing but a gold digger and therefore won't MIND if your husband has a mistress on the side. As a Christian one's values won't allow an affair on the lonely spouse' part either - but that probably won't bug you by the sounds of it!
All you care about is the paycheck. Why not rather find yourself a rich sugardaddy and leave the docs alone! Don't think it's just women married to male physicians who suffer. I have searched for a blog, or some support group for men struggling to figure out how to survive being married to a female physician, especially of an extremely demanding subspecialty.
I'm married an interventional cardiologist; and I wish I only knew 5 years ago before she started her fellowship what the heck I was signing up for. I had a business, 3 engineering degrees, numerous patents, and was working countless hours a week to try and keep a roof over our heads, make sure she was fed, the house was clean, bills were paid, etc.
But, when you're married to a doctor, know that doctors don't sacrifice for their marriages. Being a doctor means you sacrifice for others, and your family and spouse sacrifices while standing in the shadows of your career. In 5 years, one thing has become certain to me.
If only I knew. The struggle is real. I tiptoed into my current relationship with a medical student dating two years, med school is almost over , and one of the first things I brought up when he was pursuing me and he pursued me HARD was that I would not be the kind of person that would date a doctor. I tried telling him that I know myself enough that I would not be happy in this kind of relationship.
He totally blew me off and said "blah blah blah" and it was so early in our relationship that I was taken aback and didn't push the issue then and there. I loved being single, and I love dating him now, but demanding rotations are giving me an idea of what his surgical residency will be like except that I know it will be x I have spent hours and hours and hours on blogs like these, trying to understand if it will be worth it-- worth the very real possibility of losing my identity, of boxing myself in career-wise, of never being in control of where I live, of a thousand lonely nights.
Sometimes I wonder if it's "Better to end it now and cut off the limb and let the stump heal". I fear the idea of growing to resent him. Your comment is SO spot on in my experience.
I am a lawyer married to a surgical oncologist. We had our first child about a year into the relationship. Until then I didn't have much of a problem with his lifestyle because I still had my freedom and could focus as much as I wanted on a career. After our child was born, I can say that my resentment of my husband started to grow and overshadow the respect I have for what he does.
All I can think about is the fact that his schedule means that I will have to be the one to shoulder all the parenting and household responsibilities. Certainly not my husband. He is not willing to cut back on hours or ever get off of his career track. Additionally we have no family nearby for me to rely on for help or just to combat loneliness.
When you said that the doctor spouse sacrifices for their patients and their family sacrifices for the doctor's career, it really described my situation. And I resent being viewed as just the wife of a doctor rather than my own person with her own accomplishments and aspirations.
Wow i am in the exact same position. He just started studying for the boards. I don't know what to do. Wow i am dating a dr and love him so much but i wonder if love is enough.
I know you love her but is it worth it? Anonymous, you are right. It's not a gender issue or money issue. I think that Doctors have to be selfish to a degree. They are at the service of others at the expense of their family. My husband is on call today, gone the entire weekend. He is dealing with the aftermath of a failed suicide while I spend my time trying to keep busy at home.
There is no way I can compete with a suicide!!! A more unfortunate soul needs him right now as much as I need him. My loneliness is something that I try to manage with an antidepresants and cognitive therapy. Will things get better? I hope so; otherwise I will have spent the best years of my life putting him thru grad school and med school. As a physician buckling under the stress, my assigned counsellor who is also a church minister told me: So, what do I do with that?
Wow, every word resonates. Even though we don't have kids I know the feeling of spending my Mrs Doctor life alone. Seems some lonely trolls out there too based on above commentor. Same boat, if we have plans, he usually ends up.
Seems he's always on call or on a totally different schedule than I. Money is not everything although the ex certainly has her share. My mom always said the more you have, the more it owns you, so true.
I feel your pain people! All the shopping, cleaning, cooking, laundry, social planning, trips, any children that we may have and work full time too?? Me doing everything around the house, running all errands, and working full time doesn't compete with the high stakes work he does and he doesn't understand how hard I am working also because of his job. My mom was a single mother with a lower than average income working full time so she understood that aspect.
I'm not marrying to be a single, working mom with money. It is a tradeoff at best. Anonymous, You are definitely one of the the club! It is only a few marriages I have seen make it where the female is the physician in the couples we have known in my husband's thirteen year career.
My husband did his residency in family medicine before work hour restrictions and pulled hour work weeks just like the surgeons. As teaching staff, he still works more hours than the residents on average and pulls call about twice a week. I am coming to the belief that the quality individuals in medicine are the self and family sacrificing ones, truly dedicated to their profession.
I still find it an endearing quality in my spouse, though I miss him sorely. M so happy that I found this blog.. M a german language trainer and work hard for a living Im very lonely and always feel m just not working hard.
He studies all day and night I live in my own world and my own circle. I didn't expect to fall in love with him I am Australian by birth and have lived here for 20 odd years so have no family here other than my 17 year old son and the many wonderful friends I call family I am very extroverted, work full time and have a side business and can keep myself busy every day I would rather know now it will not work Does anyone find they are a bit unemotional?
Even selfish at times? I married for companionship but now all I do is wait for him to stop working, to come home, to call me back, to have time, which is hardly ever. Its really much harder than what I thought. My husband started a solo practice and the last few years have been very difficult on our marriage- financially as well as personally. Intimacy is pretty much gone. Communication is at an all time low and stress is at an all time high.
Not sure how much longer I can go on, like this As the physician, I found this blog searching for ways to make my spouse feel more important.
I have missed anniversary dinners, birthday parties l, Christmas mornings as well as day to day. I have heard for ten years that my spouse is "second fiddle. What can I or your spouse do to make my spouse feel more important besides not being a physician? My spouse really is the most important and I would be nothing without them.
Make them feel special. Buy them a bus ticket with a note and an address. Order flowers and arrange to have a friend or family member in the area place the flowers for them there. Send them to beautiful places and request photos of specific statues. Plan a day for them.
If you are not creative just copy love poems from famous romantics. Make arrangements to send her to your cousins town and let your cousin know she will be visiting. Do FaceTime with her when she gets there to drink tea. Mark an envelope to be opened at different times throughout the day. It is so frustrating emotionally and physically to be your faithful wife. We long to have a connection that you don't have time for.
We will not enjoy that huge vacation if it has been a war zone every time you get home. Stop trying to make up for all the little things you miss with big short-term things.
Start doing little things even when you are not there. Tears in my eyes after reading this. I think our entire family feels the loneliness including himself. I have two babies, 3 months and 3 years old and I believe they probably think my dr husband is an uncle or a distance relative bc their daddy was away for fellowship for over a yr and now away bc of his job.
Even more lonely for myself as I have no one to complain this situation to. Everyone seems to think that I'm lucky to marry a doctor.. Thank you for having this blog. It is almost impossible for me to hold my tears back. It hurts me the most when my kids ask me why they haven't see daddy in days. It is so hard, so sad and so lonely. I am a lawyers wife. Though our husband's are different we are very similar. I've told people money doesn't buy love. I'd gladly give it all up to have him and feel wanted.
Yet people look at me like I'm crazy. I'd have plenty if we divorced. But I love him. Thank you thank you for writing this blog. I google searched for support with tears running down my face. I have a small child home full time with me, millions of miles away from any family. I really felt overwhelmed with the loneliness and no support. I just feel relieved that I'm not the only one feeling like this. I wish there was a mother's support network for us all to join and meet up! And even when they are home with you Expectations of time together is a mirage.
Lonely is an everyday thing. I have just found this blog recently that makes me know that I am not alone. But I am very lonely indeed, I have married to a doctor for 5 years, he has been struggling with his career change for years with achieving different fellowships and residency in different countries.
We often have issues because of his relocation every year. He would not appreciate my sacrifice of course, because they are often very self-center mind. There is no way out, either I need to continue to sacrifice myself or get out of this relationship. It is hard for the others to understand my situation, people must just think that you don't need to worry about anything, but this is not the case.
I am not sure if this post can be gone through, if it does, please reply me. I will be marrying my doctor boyfriend soon, and I have to say, I have never been more lonely. While I do get to accompany him to various dinners and parties, we hardly ever have time together just us, and when we do, he just wants to relax over dinner and decompress.
We have been together for around three years and I feel like now more than ever he expects me to just do things his way and not have an opinion. He too goes to the vacation house a lot to take care of the property and the boat on most weekends he is not on call, and it has been something I have been made to accept.
I feel like now more than ever, I am expected to just not have an opinion about anything or even a say in how we spend our time together. If I even mention wanting to talk just about normal life things, I am told not to tilt the balance between problems and fun.
The Difficulties of Dating While Being a Female Doctor
He has spent years building his practice and is a busy, highly successful pediatric surgeon who is compassionate and respected by everybody, but I think by nature, it is hard for him to be empathetic or to relate to more personal issues. I think he tries to listen but doesn't know how. I also think he is not used to anyone telling him "no" or going against his opinion. Everything we do when we are together seems to be pre-planned and must be executed just so, right down to unexpectedly turning off the lights at And I can relate to the walking on eggshells feeling when they are home.
It's almost like I feel as though I have to watch what I say at all times especially when he has residents calling him for various things, might be on call that night, and has to be at the OR by 5: When I myself was interning in my profession, the girl I interned with had married her boyfriend who is also a specialist earlier that year.
I overheard her once saying, "being married to a doctor isn't what you think it is" and this is what I think she was referring to. I love him more than anything, but lately, the lack of real time together and the stress of his work impacting how I am made to feel like I'm on eggshells when we do get together almost seems like to much to bear.
How will this all be once we have children?? Things I have and continue to think about. I have been married with a doc for 4 years, we have been moving every year due to his fellowship, residency and so on, i have been losing job opportinities and living with no families,friends around due to his career.
Our communication is almost gone to none, he needs a lot a lot of alone time to achieve his career while i am really worried that how much longer i can live like this!!! Now, he has just started a new training in a new country and i am so lonely here. This broke my heart. As a married female resident, I wanted to offer you the other side of this Your husbands love you, and miss you.
I have no control over my schedule I'm sure you all remember those days , and it kills me to know that he has moved thousands of kilometers away from our home town with me so that I can do this residency. And what is even worse, is to think of him alone in our house Christmas Day while I work a 24 hr in-house call shift.
Our first Christmas married I want you all to know that you are loved and appreciated. Your husbands love you, and love that you are able to do what they cannot. My husband's simply daily things, like grocery shopping, cooking, waking up with me to make coffee in the morning-are far from unnoticed.
They are an essential part of my existence The part that among all the heartbreak and death and pain of my patients, makes me feel like a human being, worthy of having my own life. Medicine is not an easy lifestyle for anyone, and sometimes the only thing that gets me through is knowing that at the end of the day or two , I get to come home to my loving husband.
And for your husbands, you are that person. You matter, they love you, so please don't ever feel alone-your husbands hearts are right there with you. And yet when retirement comes up in the conversation, its a definite "not while I have the skills "- 75 maybe? That's another 15 for me. I can't complain about the first 24yrs. But DON'T become in need of care as a spouse! We are trying to work together to live together in 3 years but since we are homosexuals and in an arabic country its kinda hard to try to live here so we have to wait for her to graduate to get out of here.
Now those are not the problems in my head anymore, whats in my head is how arewe goin to deal with this, ive told her sometimes u wont have anytime for me nor for your kids if we decide to have kids you wont be at the holidays nothing like that and she is always tryin to see everything positive and tells me dont worry ill schedule myself, and im like baby you will not be able to schedule urself your life would be in a hospital. I am scared of passing through all this you guys have passed before i even got to this blog i've thought bout it a lot.
Honestly i love my baby future doctor honestly i would never leave her, but im scared of not knowing how to deal with all situations and emotions by myself, and this have already began, that means evrytime is going to be worse and ill got to be more strong.
Please girls advice me because this is already really overwhelming. I have to say that reading this is exactly what I needed today. I have been dating a neuro surgeon that has his own practice for a few months now.
The first few months were wonderful we saw each other every few weeks, we live about miles from each other. It has been a couple of months since I have seen him or even really talked to him.
I have been doubting if this relationship is going to work because I hardly ever talk to him so my first reaction is okay who else is he seeing??? When we are together it is amazing he obviously has work that he takes care of when I am there but for the most part he tries his best to leave work at the office.
I get sweet texts some morning when he is on his way to the office and that's all it takes the rest of my day is amazing. Its the days when I don't get a text that I worry I feel terrible now for ever doubting him. I haven't ever felt this way about anyone and yea that is a little unnerving in by itself but then add the not texting for several days and not seeing him that often and you cant help but wonder A few of my friends have flat out stopped talking to me because of him.
I would come back from one of our weekends together and they would ask how it was and I would talk about how amazing it was and what all we did. I actually had one of my friends say to me, " why are you worried about what he is doing when you aren't there he spends hundreds of dollars on you when you are there who cares that he hasn't texted you".
It isn't money that he is just throwing around on useless things, its for dinner movies normal date stuff that people do over a course of a month and we cram into one weekend. The weekends that we spend together are non stop we are always doing something or going to see friends People in general don't understand how much money it actually takes to just be a doctor.
Funny thing is he told me when we met that he was ready to stop focusing so much on work and start focusing more on his life. I know this post is kind of all over the place but I had to get it out I Here's to hoping that this coming weekend he isn't on call, doesn't have to fill in, doesn't have a million charts to finish, and doesn't have any crazy medical emergencies!!!
I am so glad I found this blog! Everything about the loneliness and bourdon of raising the kids solo resonates. My kids are now 14, 12 and When they were younger it was so hard to be alone and take care of them.
He could come home from trips and I was too worn out to fake the good cheer. Now it's easier, as they are older, and he's making more time for them.
But now it also comes out that he resents my past negativity and lack of appreciation for his hard work I didn't want to talk about my issues with him because, as many of you have said, my little problems couldn't compete with what he was dealing with at work.
I ran across your post out of desperation. See, I am a SAHM and my husband has just gotten accepted into a 4 year pediatrics residency program this year. I am so beyond afraid of what lies ahead in terms of residency; the loneliness, missing out on years of family experiences together, raising two kids by myself we have a 1. My husband had quite a late start in his career; he will be almost 40 by the time he starts residency so I feel we are already way behind in that sense, but also he has had a very hard time getting into residency as he went to med school outside the US.
It has already taken him us 3 years since he got out of school and finally just matched this year. The first year is mostly research with regular hours followed by those daunting 3 years. So I feel like we have to wait yet another year just for the daunting part of it to start. I feel like this pressure of finding a residency has already taken a toll in our relationship and somewhat "controlled" us for so long that I am already so tired of it.
I know after residency he would choose a flexible job which would allow for the most family time. But it is the path we have to go through to get to that point that really scares me. I am afraid of what these years ahead could mean to our family; make it or break it. Well, the thing is he knows exactly how I feel and he has offered to give it all up. To not do residency and leave medicine behind. To find another job, a more family oriented one, move to another more financially friendly state we are in California and have a fresh start.
Part of me wants to say Yes!!! I feel a sense of freedom would come with it, but I am also afraid of what this could mean for us in the long run. He would be leaving his career, something he has worked so hard for and his passion for his family. He is a great man and I know he will always put his family first but this is such a hard decision. I know in terms of so many things as well as financial stability choosing another path is very uncertain, we would also have the student loans we would have to pay back.
And on the other hand the thought of having to go through these residency years ahead haunts me. I know many of you understand how Im feeling and a lot of you have been there for many years already. So I want to know, if you woud have been given the option to take a totally different path and have a fresh start, would you have taken it??
We need to come to a decision pretty soon and I really need some insight. I would never ever choose a different path. But I love him so much. Sometimes it's easy to forget all the wonderful times we had together before he got into med school. It's easy to forget why I chose to be with him in the first place.
Even if they don't see him that often they know, and I know that he Ioves us so much.
Dating a doctor is difficult
He needs a house that he can call home and a family that loves him. I would never give up on him because he got nobody else. I have days when I feel like I don't want to do this anymore, but then I go through old pictures and letters and to remind myself that we had it figured out once, and we can figure it out again. I won't break his heart not after all the faith he has in me.
I have been married to my doctor husband for 36 years. I can honestly say it has been the worst decision of my life. I have spent my life alone waiting for things to get better. After med school, after residency, after setting up a practice. But now he is a senior doc and is called on for all the difficult stuff and can't or won't say no.
And now he is in his 60s. He is living with the health effects from working upwards of hrs a week. Can I leave him now? My kids have run as far away from medicine as possible in terms of a career and my daughter only dates people who have balance in their lives. I do know other doctors who have more balance but take a cold hard look at what your life will be like if your man is married to medicine.
You love a medical guy? My advice would be to date him when he has free time. Ma'am I really do thank you for being very blunt and quite honest in your writing about your life. I"am a man married to a female doctor with two daughters one is five years of age the other two and a half. I will, and have said before that is is one of the worst decisions to marry a doctor also. Just ridiculous, what do they know!? Very wise words when tell others to take a very cold hard look at there life. I was to late in that.
My two daughters have each chosen a man who is emotionally and physically available, thank goodness. This blog has been so helpful. I'm 22 and I have been dating a med student for 3 years. But we only really get time together in the summer.
I was sure I was just over sensitive until I read your posts! I feel unwanted most of the time but I know he tries to make time. I'm always torn between wanting to spend time together doing loads of fun things and giving him space to pursue his dream. I don't want to stress him! I've already approached him like a million times to ask why he has been distant with me but now I'm realising it's his work load but he doesn't want to admit it's a lot for him.
He will always downplay it! Im not sure whether he isn't ready for it to get any more serious than it is or that he cannot juggle my needs and his duties. Should I just end it if the loneliness bothers me already? I see a future with him but I'm not sure whether I can handle it.
We just celebrated our 11th wedding anniversary We have 5 children and like so many I feel alone most days. While we have a good marriage but he has no idea how lonely I am for my him. We Finally spent a week alone together for our anniversary and it was glorious! I am clinging to it because we are back to the same old thing I must admit this last couple of years has been hard on me.
The kids are so involved and I am busy with them but I long for my husband to work less. These insane hours are wearing on me and I fear what has happened to so many I know will start to happen to us.
The first week home he is already covering someone elses cases I struggle with where to draw the line Again we have never had coverage when we needed it.
Now I try to put myself in his shoes and he has always had a problem standing firm in any decision so its hard for him to say no. He feels obligated so often and wants to be a nice guy I don't think he even realizes how he hurts me when he so often chooses work.
I have no support in this and so many of the DW have just accepted this life I just cant ,I want more There are so many days I wish I had a normal life and he had a normal job. I am sooooo proud of him but his career has broken me in a way I don't know if I can piece back together. I have so often heard wow you married a doctor The truth is I will always come second to his job and he will never know how lonely I am for him to put me first.
He of course had to check his emails while we were on vacation Maybe I have to accept it Maybe that's why so many I know live separate lives I feel each of your words.
I also know that my husband's job as a Surgeon is before us my kids and I. I have no family nearby as I am from a different country. I've been feeling like a single mother for many years. He doesn't even think he works that much even though he sleeps 5 hours a night when he sleeps at all!
I don't care about the money, I have suggested him to downsize if needed for him to work less. All he says is that it wouldn't change the amount of time that he works. I have been understanding of the demands of his career for many years, but I have come to realized that I'm not happy living this way.
Anyone else found doctors extremely difficult to date?
I want him to commit more to his family and himself. Sometimes I think he is the man who shouldn't have had a family but just a career too late for that now though. Aww God bless all u patient strong wives. Please think that there is something worse: Sometimes I feel the worst wife, mother and daughter. Some other times I feel alone in my marriage.
Sometimes I complain to my kids and to my husband. Sometimes I feel burned out, but I have to carry on. I love my job very much and it has give me many joys, but stimultaneus many hours apart from my children, my husband and my mother when there is a need.
Sometimes I think I'II get crazy or dipressed. Some other times I admire myself and ask God for help. This post and the comments are an eye opener. Better to now what you're going into in a relationship with a doctor or would-be-doctor. I'm really glad I found this post today! I'm raising great kids alone I'm alone at all those same events It's been a huge personal sacrifice to support my husband all these years.
And yet I have such profound respect for his role in our community. In his field he sees some of the worst cases, this week alone: Google know-it-all moms demanding medical marijuana and threatening to sue the province for not having access to pot to treat epilepsy Okay, here is one for you A married male neurologist is married to a pediatric physician.
Their marriage falls apart because they are both working way too many hours, and they lose their way in life. They have money for nannies, trips, vacation homes, their children go to the finest colleges, etc.
Husband has affair with me, after telling me that he and his wife have grown apart, and we were together for five years. Wife finds out, affair continues, but now he is the perfect husband, and she is the perfect wife. Am I a homewrecker? Fell in love with his passion for his love for neurology. Did he ever buy me anything other than a coffee or a dinner?
He was lonely, as was she. Except his wife was and still is a witch. Why am I still with him? I ask myself that every day. He is controlled by his pediatric physician wife, trying to help others with their illness, and still is with me. Oh, boo hoo to me you say When you are made a promise and fall in love with a man who has a broken marriage, you begin to believe that one day you will be with him.
People should marry for love, not money. Married men should not reach out to vulnerable women who buy their story of being lonely bc they are married to a woman who should have been a librarian. Don't fall in love with a married man. Don't fall in love with a doctor. Hello to everyone in this thread. I know we don't know each other, but it seems like we all share a commonality that connects us all very deeply.
I, too, am the wife of a doctor dermatology resident. We have been together for over ten years, but only married for 6 months. I've done the pre-med, med school, residency, etc. What do you guys do about this-- do you go with your spouse?
Thank you so much. I just found this blog. Last year i met a wonderful neurosurgeon and within 6 months he told me he was in love with me. No lie he was one of the kindest human beings I've met , but I was afraid of getting deeper into the relationship, so I ended it.
He was devastated , called me every night crying telling me to please go back. The thing is I didn't want to marry someone who I'd never see or spend time with. I also felt like I could never be a good wife.
Now after reading this blog I feel like I made the right choice. I still cry every night for him , because I love him , probably always will. He still writes to me telling me that until his last breath he will love me.
The thing is I know il always be alone and we'll he's a little older than I am. Dating a dr is hard. Its so good to be a part of this blog. While reading the article I could actually picturize my near future.
When you first comfort your stressed partner, it's important to listen closely and simply show that you understand and care. Offering comfort first can help you with this, but that's not the only reason to save the advice for later. When you first notice your partner is stressed, your instinct may be to offer advice or solutions. Saving that advice for later, and instead offering comfort and support, will help both you and your partner for several reasons.
When you feel frustrated because you haven't seen your partner, you should think about:. You are lucky to have found love and it won't necessarily make you feel better to think about those who have not. There are other ways to approach your frustration. Thinking about your partner's patients can help to put your frustration into perspective. While you wish you were with your partner, their patient is undergoing a medical procedure or consultation and needs your partner's expertise.
If you can, try to channel your frustration in pride and support. Your partner is following their dreams and doing something wonderful for the world. Still, when thinking about their passion isn't enough, there are steps to take. When you do get to spend time together, plan stress-reducing activities, like watching a movie or exercising together, since being a doctor involves high levels of stress.
For more tips, like how to focus on the pros of dating a doctor, read on! This article was co-authored by our trained team of editors and researchers who validated it for accuracy and comprehensiveness.
Together, they cited information from 13 references. Featured Articles Getting a Date. In this case, several readers have written to tell us that this article was helpful to them, earning it our reader-approved status.
Be flexible regarding plans. Doctors are busy people, especially if they work at hospitals. They may be on call during many weekdays, and may not get weekends.
If you want to date a doctor, be understanding that plans will occasionally be cancelled. Carve out several pockets of time during the week in which you're available to get together. Avoid making plans that are hard to change. Buying tickets to a play or concert, for example, is a bad idea when your partner could potentially back out. Stick to more flexible plans, like planning to get dinner at a restaurant that usually does not require reservations.
Avoid medical talk during dates. Everyone needs a break from thinking about work. As a doctor's job is highly stressful, he or she may be inclined to talk about work a lot. This can create undue stress for both of you, as you may not want to hear about gory details.
Try to steer the conversations away from work talk. Ask about a TV show you both like, or discuss news about mutual friends. Do not go overboard, however. If you partner had a stressful day, he or she may need to talk about it.
On occasion, allow your partner to rant about work-related stress. Strive to be understanding and a good listener. Plan dates around food. Doctors are frequently hungry. When working long shifts and managing multiple patients, meals are often neglected.
If you know your partner is working a long shift, plan a date that revolves around eating. Order takeout and have it ready or make a home cooked meal. Allow the cell phone to stay on the table. Doctors need to be on call all the time during certain hours. Your partner may have patients who are very sick or may be on call at a local hospital. It's important to be understanding of work obligations. While it's often considered bad etiquette to have your cell phone out at the dinner table, be understanding.
When you're dating a doctor, rules about courtesy change. Learn to love spending time alone. If you're dating a doctor, you'll end up spending a lot of nights alone. You will not be able to get universal attention.
There may be many long nights when you'll have to entertain yourself. If your boyfriend or girlfriend can't entertain you on weekend nights, make plans with friends instead. Find hobbies you enjoy. Take up a craft like knitting. Start reading books in your spare time. You can learn to enjoy alone time. You may learn more about yourself and your passions with the free time you gain by dating a doctor. Part 1 Quiz Why is dinner out a better date choice than going to a concert?
It's easier for them to check their phone. It's centered around food. Watch for signs of stress. Doctors have a high stress work atmosphere. You should plan on helping your partner de-stress after work periodically. If stress is unrecognized, it can cause tension in a relationship. Learn to watch for warning signs of stress so you can effectively address the issue. Your partner may seem somewhat withdrawn and may be quicker to anger and somewhat moody.
If you suspect your partner is experiencing stress, try not to react with anger. Calmly say something like, "Is there something bothering you? Is there any way I can help you feel better?
If someone is in a bad mood, you may be inclined to give advice. However, when helping someone cope with stress, it's always best to start with comfort. Advice, especially unsolicited advice, can come off the wrong way even if you have positive intentions. Actively listen to what your partner has to say, and offer apologies for the fact he or she is feeling this way.
Reassure him or her you're there, and that you care. If there is an issue that needs solving, you can get to that later. After offering initial comfort, think about ways to problem solve. Be clear that you're working with your partner.
Explain you're not trying to tell him of her what to do, but want to brainstorm ideas to effectively work through the issue. Ask what you can do. Especially early in a relationship, you may not know how someone prefers to be comforted.
Ask your partner what you can do when he or she is experiencing stress. Listen to and respect his or her needs. It may be something as simple as chipping in with some chores now and then. Understand your partner's needs may be different from yours. He or she may handle stress in a way that's different from how you handle stress. Remember that different is not bad. Respect your partner's needs. Find stress reducing rituals. It's important to be proactive when dating a doctor in regards to stress.
Doctors face an inordinate amount of stress in their careers, so it's vital that you help your partner de-stress. Plan activities that can reduce stress. Plan for a movie night at the end of a long day, or to marathon watch a TV show you both love. Suggest you and your practice stress reducing activities like meditation and yoga together.