By | 30.07.2019

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How Birth Order Affects Who You Are

Did you know that your birth order between your siblings can affect your romantic relationships and how you interact with others? Birth order seems to be a reliable predictor of personality and romantic compatibility. You can predict the best match for you, and learn how to win the heart of the love of your life according to their birth rank. Birth order is strongly connected to your personality. Knowing the birth order of the people around you can help you understand them better. You can also learn how to deal with a potential partner and learn what kind of conflict can exist between the two of you. An example would be a first born wife married to a younger brother, she would have traits of being dominant and maternal.

Youngest children tend to be the most free-spirited due to their parents' increasingly laissez-faire attitude towards parenting the second or third, or fourth, or fifth The baby of the family tends to be:. Megan, an at-home mom in San Diego, says her 7-year-old daughter Kacey loves the spotlight and will wrestle it away from others, if need be.

Lastborn child Janice Lee, now 25 years old and working as an architect in New York City, definitely identifies with the simplistic, uncomplicated nature of a last-born child. We'll go out to dinner, but nothing extravagant. I like being spontaneous.

I moved to Germany from Toronto for a job last year, and I didn't even speak the language," she says. Being the only child is a unique position in a family. Without any siblings to compete with, the only child monopolizes his parents' attention and resources, not just for a short period of time like a firstborn, but forever.

In effect, this makes an only child something like a "super-firstborn": Thus, only children tend to be:. Just one meeting with 5-year-old Lilia, and you'll see.

Like most children, Lilia sucked her thumb. But rather than throwing a temper tantrum when asked to break the habit, "she agreed to it and threw away her 'blankie,' claiming that is what makes her want to suck her thumb," Brooker says. Even when only children reach adulthood, they may not necessarily shed their need to be model human beings, able to run a five-minute mile and cook a seven-course meal without consulting a cookbook. In the case of divorce, remarriage, and the melding of stepchildren, Dr.

What Your Birth Order Can Tell You About Your Love Life

Leman says, "blended families don't blend; they collide. But despite a child's new position in a blended family hierarchy, he will not tailor his existing personality to his new position unless he is still in infancy. Many psychologists agree that personality develops tremendously during the first few years of life during the bonding stages.

By about age 5, much of a child's personality has been established although that doesn't mean it's fixed. In this way, a year-old firstborn will likely have a more difficult time giving up his position as the eldest than a 4-year-old might.

In cases such as with twins , you have a family within a family -- a unit that operates independently of birth order.

Since twins are perceived as a single unit -- likely even referred to as "the twins" -- they separate themselves from the traditional family and revel in their special position.

According to Leman, if you have a gap of at least five years in between births, another family begins in the birth order structure. A 2-year-old boy with a newborn brother and an 8-year-old older sister isn't going adopt middle-child traits, but rather those of a firstborn.

The same scenario occurs with adopted kids. The age at which the child is adopted is a key factor in which traits the child is most likely to exhibit. The younger the child is at adoption, the more time he will spend under the adoptive parents' care and adopt his position in the existing family tree.

For instance, if a firstborn 1-year-old is adopted by a family with a 4-year-old child, the adopted child will likely fall into the role of the baby, despite the fact that he is biologically a firstborn child.

However, if a firstborn child is 7 years old when he is adopted into a family with a year-old child, the adopted child will still act like a firstborn even though he has an older brother. Recent studies suggest that siblings may be the key players in forming a child's personality. Other experts insist that peers have the magic touch.

To date, researchers are unable to pin down the definitive shaper of a child's personality, but there is one thing that remains constant in all competing theories: Most children have a parental figure to latch onto and learn from. Though peers, siblings, genes, and circumstance all indubitably play into how a child's temperament develops, "I think the parents still are the major influencing factors because, truthfully, the first year of life is the bonding with the primary caretaker that impacts upon self-confidence, trust, the ability to interact with another person," says therapist Wallace.

Now, whether or not this primary caretaker is actually the biological parent is negligible, considering the increasingly changing definition of the modern "family. Fear not, supposedly manipulative, attention-hungry youngest children!

Psychologists agree that personality is not fixed by birth order. The information on this Web site is designed for educational purposes only.

It is not intended to be a substitute for informed medical advice or care. You should not use this information to diagnose or treat any health problems or illnesses without consulting your pediatrician or family doctor.

Please consult a doctor with any questions or concerns you might have regarding your or your child's condition. Parents may receive compensation when you click through and purchase from links contained on this website. What's Your Birth Order Personality? Firstborn As the leader of the pack, firstborns often tend to be: Middle Child "The middle child often feels left out and a sense of, 'Well, I'm not the oldest.

In general, middle children tend to possess the following characteristics: People-pleasers Somewhat rebellious Thrives on friendships Has large social circle Peacemaker. Last Born Youngest children tend to be the most free-spirited due to their parents' increasingly laissez-faire attitude towards parenting the second or third, or fourth, or fifth The baby of the family tends to be: Only Children Being the only child is a unique position in a family.

Good marriages are made, not born. Two people must work together on being considerate, caring, and mutually supportive.

Naturally the Cub took advantage of his new caregiver. Sande had to put up with my fussy eating habits and picking up my clothes after me wherever I dropped them. This went on through the early years of our marriage. One day, while I was working on my doctorate, Sande heard me expostulating on how to discipline children and hold them accountable for their actions. If holding children accountable for their actions is good, holding a husband accountable might be even better, Sande thought.

She went into action. Soon I found my little piles of clothing where I had left them. In no time the apartment became covered with my piles. Then came the day when I could not open the door because Sande had shoved a giant stack of my clothes against it to make room for whatever she was doing. That got my attention. Sande and I had a long overdue talk and shared our feelings.

You learn to pick up your own clothes and put them where they belong. Also, I'm going to fix different things for dinner. I expect you to at least try some new dishes. You owe that much to yourself and to our children--if you want to be the good role model you keep talking about.

Learning to pick up my clothes and eating different foods was just a start as Cubby Bear learned how to grow up and become Papa Bear. One of the best bits of wisdom I ever received concerning marriage came from Dr. An only child, Dr. Dobson is scholarly, organized, conscientious, and reliable. So one day while Sande and I were having lunch with him, I asked, "Jim, if there was one bit of advice you could give me, what would it be?

He glanced at Sande and then back at me and said without hesitating, "Kevin, before you do anything, whatever it is , run it by Sande first. Dobson's advice applies to any birth-order marriage match, but it especially applied to the last-born Cub and Mama Bear!

I said to myself, If an only child with Jim Dobson's credentials thinks that's a good idea, then I do too! I've tried to follow his advice ever since and it has always paid off. As we have seen, two married middle children will probably not communicate well.

They tend to feel it isn't worth the hassle to confront each other. They may also discount the value of their own opinions. These attitudes are typical of middle children. One simple little device that I have used with great success when counseling a middle married to a middle is the suggestion bowl.

Place a clear bowl or jar in a prominent place where both of you can see it and deposit in it your suggestions. Keep pads of paper and pencils or pens handy. The husband should use one color of paper; the wife another. When the husband wants to tell his wife something, he writes a suggestion on his pad and drops it into the bowl.

And when the wife wants to give hubby a suggestion, she does the same. Some spouses--particularly men--think the suggestion bowl is too much of a crutch, but I talk them into trying it anyway because, the fact is, some of us simply can't look our mate in the eye and tell him or her what is on our mind.

Some other tips to keep the middle-child marriage healthy include:. According to birth order studies, middle children and last borns rank right up there as potentially successful pairings for marriage.

The middle child, typically strong in negotiating and compromising, pairs up well with a socially outgoing baby of the family. And somewhat paradoxically, this kind of marriage has a high probability for good communication--sharing feelings and rolling with the punches. Yes, I know I said earlier that middle children tend to clam up and not share emotions, but the plus factor here is that middle children are not as threatened by babies of the family as they might be by meticulous exacting first borns.

So, the odds--and remember, all of these birth order pairing observations go by the odds--are good for decent communication. Here are some tips for making a fairly good blend even better:. I have already touched on how last borns can get into financial trouble in a marriage.

They have a big problem with answering the metaphorical question, "Who is running the asylum? Two last borns must put their heads together and decide who will pay the bills, who will do the shopping, who will cook and clean up, who will take charge of the social calendar, who cleans house, and who is point guard on disciplining the kids.

Notice I said "point guard" for discipline, which suggests that Mom and Dad are a team, but that one of them may have to take the lead while the other one is backup. If last borns don't get a grip and make firm decisions on these practical matters, they can arrive in big-time trouble fast.

Babies of the family have a tendency to forget or assume their spouse was going to do what needed doing. I thought you were going to! Last borns have a built-in tendency to pass the buck and blame to someone else, and who is handier than one's spouse? But if your spouse is last born, guess who's catching the buck and throwing it right back in your face? A counseling device I often use with couples is to sit them in chairs facing each other with their knees practically touching. Then they hold hands and talk about their problems.

They have one rule: While one person speaks, the other cannot interrupt; and before replying, the one who has been listening has to "feed back" to the speaker's satisfaction everything that the speaker said. Yes, this is a ponderous way to have a discussion.

But it does wonders for helping spouses learn how to hear each other and understand what each other is saying. That last question might open up the door for practicing more active listening, as long as you avoid being defensive. And that brings us to the next tip:.

Now that I've touched on the so-called "best" and the statistically "not so hot" birth-order combinations for marriage, have I left you encouraged or discouraged? Maybe you're a bit puzzled because you're supposed to have a dandy marriage but things aren't going that well. Maybe you're indignant because you aren't considered a good match and you get along just fine, thank you! So what does Leman know about anything? All of these discussions of which birth-order combinations make strong or weak marriages follow the same principle that I have been repeating and will continue to repeat throughout this book: When talking about birth order, all general statements are indicators, not rules.

In other words, all these general guidelines are arrows, pointing in a certain direction, but that hardly means that the fate of your marriage has been decided by your birth orders. And they aren't an excuse for saying, "Well, it's hopeless. We're both first borns and that means we're doomed to divorce. I know plenty of marriages where two first borns get along very nicely. My own first-born sister, Sally, is an example. She married first-born, Wes, a meticulous perfectionist who is a dentist.

You would think that by now Sally and Wes would have picked each other to pieces, but not so. They have built a great marriage around a common faith in God, a sense of balance, and plenty of hard work, and they have three super kids to show for it. So the good news remains the same.

Birth order is never a final determinant of anything, only an indicator of problems and tensions that you may discover or create for yourselves.

Does birth order make or break a relationship?

No matter what your birth order and that of your spouse, what counts is how you use your particular strengths and how you modify or deal with your particular weaknesses.

There is no big mystery in making your marriage work, but it is always difficult. Knowing birth-order characteristics of you and your mate is just one step toward learning how to get along and have a happy life together. Another important step is understanding each other's life-style. In the next chapter we'll talk about what happens when a man and a woman try to build a home and family by putting their individual really unique life-styles together.

Do I find fault with what my mate wears, says, or does? When was the last time I gave my mate a special present for absolutely no particular reason except to say, "I love you"? Speaking of "I love you," when was the last time I said those three little wonderful words to my mate? What is the one thing I know my mate would love to have me do? Am I planning to do it this week?

Do we worship together? Or are we like too many couples who seem to have decided that God is like the Edsel, obsolete? Do I take the time to find out what my mate is really interested in? Do I take the time to understand the "ins and outs" of his or her favorite pastime or activity? Excerpt from "Chapter Eleven: Published by Fleming H. Revell, a division of Baker Book House Co. Best-selling author, psychologist, humorist, and radio and television personality Kevin Leman believes your personality tendencies, your business savvy, your perspective on parenting, and your choice in a marriage partner are largely determined by birth order -- by whether you are the oldest, only, middle or youngest child.

Buy the book by clicking here. The Christian Broadcasting Network. Stop "improving" on things your spouse does or says. To a perfectionist, this may be a real trick, but bite your tongue and do it anyway. The New Testament compares the tongue to the bit in a horse's mouth or the rudder of a huge ship see James 3: This vivid metaphor says it all.

Two first borns dating

The bit and the rudder control everything, and the tongue can literally determine the direction of your marriage. Stop "shouldering" your mate.

For first-born perfectionists, criticism is second nature. Once you quit trying to jump high, you can stop asking your mate to do so as well. Define roles carefully to avoid arguments over control. In other words, decide who does what. One spouse can do the shopping while the other pays the bills and balances the checking account. Help each other with assigned tasks and try to be considerate and aware of the other's responsibilities.

If one spouse does the shopping, the other should not complain about the high grocery bill. I counseled one couple where the perfectionist, critical husband complained incessantly until his wife told him, "Okay, you shop this week. Get rid of the we've got-to-do-it-my-way attitude. The old cliche applies: There is more than one way to skin a cat and your way is not necessarily best. One of the best sentences any first-born perfectionist can learn to say to his or her first-born spouse is: Let's try it your way.

Some practical suggestions for first borns married to middles include: Make it a point to have regular recaps and discuss feelings and what is happening. Do not let your spouse toss you a bone by saying, "Everything's fine. Make your spouse feel special. Remember that the middle-child husband or wife very likely did not grow up feeling special, so anything you do--small gifts, love notes, saying sincere little things he or she likes to hear--will touch the heart and strengthen your marriage.

While the following applies to every birth order, it's especially good for the first-born husband of the middle-child wife to remember: Every day women ask in one way or another, "Do you really love me? Work on drawing out your middle-child spouse.

Rainbow babies bring joy to two hopeful couples. Newborn Russia (E45)

Keep in mind that as a first born your natural inclination is to give the answer, solve the problem.

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