By | 05.10.2018

That introvert dating a social butterfly does not leave

BE SOCIAL Start a Conversation by Saying Hello (How to Approach) Infield Retired PUA Steve Mayeda

Hard to date a social butterfly? User Name Remember Me? I think there are some people out there that spread themselves thin when it comes to being social and thus may affect their dating. Like they do a lot of event or party "hopping", ie - do 3 or 4 drive-bys to parties in one day. They are like humming birds, and don't really chill and relax in order to develop any real friendships, much less relationships.

Is Forge the must-play city building game this year? Build, battle, and barter through the ages of history to develop an empire in this award-winning game. I'm not sure 'wise' comes into the mix of relationships of the heart. I think it all depends on what you want from a relationship. If you're okay with the high energy that being with an extrovert type brings then you'll be okay. If you don't and find it tiring and exhausting it could lead to problems down the line. You didn't mention if the social person understands your being an introvert, was that part of the attraction.

They say that opposites attract. Try to set some 'us being together' time into the social calendar and see if you enjoy each others company. Related Questions What are some great ways to date as an introvert?

What is dating like for an introvert? How does dating work in a very introvert society? Why should an introvert date another introvert? How can an introvert start dating?

Dating a social butterfly, is this normal?

How does an introvert behave when they are dating someone? What is it like dating an introvert? Part of my dread of parties was that we'd go at eight and stay until four, and I just don't have that in me.

So we agree on a time, and at that time I can say whether I stay or go. If I want to leave, he doesn't have to; he usually does, though. He manipulates the heck out of me in the best way possible. He talks up individual people to me, and says how much they want to talk to me about X.

He mentions that so-and-so is really looking forward to meeting me. He steers conversations toward things that I care about. He gives me background on people so I can ask them about things. He makes it as easy as possible for me to talk with his friends. He's very attentive and inclusive when we're at parties together, so I don't ever feel like he's abandoned me. We have and use a rescue-me signal.

We've started going to more activity-focused events - running groups, bowling parties, a giant treasure hunt. I cope better with these. If I'm getting pouty or tired, I take a walk. Sometimes I just need five minutes alone.

He'll pick one or two social things a weekend that he'd really really really like me to attend, and the rest are optional. We formed new weekly outings with his friends. There was something I didn't like about just joining in on his friends' weekly TV show viewings and game night and happy hour.

He lets me be quiet when I want to be quiet we have a signal for that, too. I've absolved him of all responsibility for me having a good time. I know that my SO has made a lot of accommodations for me. We're both making sacrifices, but not once has he asked me to change or not be myself. He gives me a lot of positive feedback when I make an effort, and he also compliments me on my more introverted traits. You're not going to be able to change your girlfriend; the best you can do is to create an environment that puts up the fewest barriers to her sociability.

The keys have been understanding that it's perfectly OK with her to go do my own things and have fun without her. She doesn't mind and in fact likes having time to herself.

In the beginning, it felt weird to me to do things without her. But now I can realize that she needs to recharge her batteries in quiet time, while I often recharge by doing new things and being out with people. Sometimes she does the quiet thing, sometimes she's the life of the party. I've learned to accept it as her being her and not a reflection on me or something I need to manage.

We have learned to be open about whether one of us wants to leave early or simply doesn't want to go somewhere. It's awkward at first to be honest and not so concerned about pleasing the other person, but it works out better in the long run.

We tend to be OK letting the other one make decisions about our shared life. For example, I used to get very worked up if she tried to plan a vacation without going over all the details with me first.

Now she'll say, "Since we agreed to go on vacation this summer, I bought the plane tickets today. In the end it really doesn't matter, but in the past it would make me crazy. If you can get OK with giving up some control in the relationship, it will work out great. Among other things, you wrote, "Ideally, I'd have a mate who's EVERY relationship is like that! I don't think you should bail on this relationship if your main complaint is that she hates attending larger social funtions. You two seem to be compatible on the "big" issues.

YOU need to change your mindset, and just figure out how to deal with her introversion. Mainly it will probably mean "letting go" of a need that you seem to have for her to be a particular way, and accept her as she is. Unlike others here, I'm not alarmed by your thoughts of dating other people or wincing a little when she mentions your long-term future.

You are just fantasizing in response to the conflicts you're experiencing in your mind. My attitude is, go ahead and play out all kinds of scenarios in your head I do all the time! Just don't believe them. It sounds trite, but just try to always "count your blessings" when your thoughts turn negative, keep your mouth shut when in doubt, and ALWAYS treat her with the same level of courtesy and respect that you'd treat a work colleague - - and over time you will get used to it, and you will know acceptance.

I have introvert tendencies. Even in a group of people I know well, I can only tolerate so much togetherness before I have to go. My friends seem to accept that I'm the first to leave every party and that it has nothing to do with them, it's just that I have only so much energy for groups. I've stopped seeing this as a flaw. It's a whole bundle of characteristics including strengths and weaknesses. Things that help me are people gently bringing me into the conversation, giving me openers, making me feel welcome.

Structure helps - a group project or a game like Trivial Pursuit or Apples to Apples gives me something to do and makes it easier to talk and participate. It might also help for you to introduce her to your friends in very small groups. If she generally meets them in giant parties, that could explain why she is still uncomfortable with them.

It might also help if you can compromise - she goes to one larger outing a month with you, the rest of the time she gets to do her thing.

I am more extroverted married to a fairly introverted man. Our best couple friends are the reverse -- he is very extroverted, she is very very! I will call my husband Hubs, and our friends Joe and Jane. I think it's harder for Joe than it is for me, because when you're married and in your 30s, wives are expected to be social directors and more of the socializing occurs through the wife maintaining the network of friendships and community relationships.

Another of our couple friends, where my husband sees the man literally every day and I only see the wife every couple of weeks, the men decided we should all have dinner together, and then they decided, "Let's tell our wives to set it up. Anyway, Jane is not, and never will be, a social director.

Jane is SO shy it took me 18 months to convince her to come get a pedicure with me, even though she liked me. Joe has to do all the work to maintain their network of relationships -- and that gets harder as people start to have kids, etc.

Moms network with other moms. I have the experience of going with my husband to a party and having to either leave him sitting like a lump to hold up the wall, or squire him around nursing the conversation along. Neither was very much fun. Sometimes it's easier to go by yourself and not have to "babysit" your introvert. But here's the thing: As I've gotten older my husband and I have been together since our early 20s , I've realized that my husband is perfectly happy sitting and watching the party.

He doesn't NEED me to babysit him. He finds himself a quiet corner and hangs out. People we know know that he's more quiet in social situations, and plenty of them will now go seek him out to chat for a few minutes when they need a party break -- but they mostly know he's unlikely to initiate a conversation at a party unless he has something he specifically wants to say.

Neither of them is ever going to work the room. Joe and I are the ones who pull friends into our orbits. Most of my husband's friends are also my good friends because I'm just more sociable.

If it's important to you that you have a partner who can introduce you to more people and be the life of the party, then no, I don't think this relationship will work.

Introvert dating a social butterfly

I also think that it's harder for an extroverted man to be with an introverted woman than vice versa because of social expectations for couples as you age.

I guess how we deal with it is that it's just not that big a deal. I find my husband a restful person most of the time who's less frenetic than I am, socially, and it helps keep me grounded. I appreciate that about him, I don't resent it; and as I've gotten older and a bit more mature, I've realized that's part and parcel of the same thing that has him be not super-chatty at parties -- which isn't hurting anybody. And I can be social enough for the both of us.

The description of your relationship is me introvert and my wife extrovert. We've been together for ten years now, so it can work. It's not so much that I'm an introvert per se, but there are only a few people I know that I genuinely enjoy being around. None of my wife's friends are in this group. This avoids the whole "Why didn't you talk at the dinner party" argument. Don't put your lady in a situation you know she's not going to feel comfortable in and you'll argue a whole lot less, which will make you love and appreciate the several wonderful things you like about her.

I simply can't fake enjoying being around people that I don't feel comfortable or enjoy being around, and neither can I bet your GF. My wife and I spend time together when we go out and do many of the things you described, so we get plenty of quality time with each other. If this is a person you genuinely enjoy being around separate of the issues you described here, I'd try like heck to keep this relationship going, because while there are plenty of fish in the sea, there are only so many you'd want to bring home for dinner.

If you want to make it work, sit down and have a talk about how the two of you could make it work. Start with building mutual appreciation for your differences. You could have a pretty good respect building conversation with her about the positive aspects of your different approaches to socializing. Right now you both seem to be entrenched in your separate perspectives, when neither of them is really right or wrong. She's more of a depth person when it comes to people, and you're more of a breadth person.

Here's an exercise; both of you come up with a list of reasons for why being an introvert is awesome, and why being an extrovert is awesome. Then read your lists together and compare them. Here's a few ideas to start: Being an extrovert means you're exposed to a variety of perspectives. It can be very grounding to know that nobody is exactly right. Being an extrovert is also fun because there are some things you just can't do by yourself, like crowd surfing or running a relay race.

Being an introvert means that your few friends are often your friends for life. You can pick up where you left off with them even if you haven't talked in a few months.

You spend lots of time with them, so you know them really well; you remember details and quirks and have a lot of ridiculous little in jokes built up from years of knowing each other. It's a very intense form of intimacy, and it is very enjoyable. I'm sure you guys can think of more.

You're supposed to be a team and support each other. Work on the problem together. Good luck; speaking as a shy-ish extrovert, I do not envy the rock and hard place you're stuck between. I'm going to replace you with my husband and your girlfriend with me. I am not a social person at all and my husband does not press the issue.

It's just how I am. There are times when I wish I was a social butterfly, but any effort on my part is met with my own insecurities that are deeply rooted and that are hard to change.

The Attractive Introvert: Attract women when you're not the outgoing, social center of attention

I don't see this as a negative. It's who I am. I love my husband because he is the opposite of me; he is very social. I have been with my husband for 7 years and not once has he gotten upset over my lack of enthusiam for some things that he enjoys.

I am not upset with him when he wants to go out. I will put on a brave face this is my term, not applying it to your situation and "play the part", so to speak. He knows that I am doing this and is okay with it. I don't actively mean to be like this, it's who I am.

If you love your girlfriend and see yourself being with her for the long term, you will find a way to love her introverted-ness. She is worth it. We both understand so much better where the other is coming from. I know that when I'm at party with him and wish I could be at home with a book, I've thought of his reasons for wanting me with him, and I feel better.

I have been dating an introvert for the past five years, and I am quite extroverted. Most of my social life is solo, I will spend the day with friends and he will stay home and do his own thing. I am fine with this, in fact, sometimes I prefer it. I can hang out with my friends without having to worry that our plans accommodate him, or that he finds our conversations boring, or feels left out.

If I was in your situation, with the dinner party, I would be less concerned that it was awkward for me that he wasn't talking, and more concerned that I had dragged him into a situation where he felt uncomfortable, or that I wasn't making enough effort to include him in conversation.

Do you try and steer the conversation towards topics she is in interested in? Do you accept that she might have hit her capacity for socializing long before you do--and understand if she wants to call it a night early?

Maybe she meets your friends for dinner, and then heads home before you and your friends head out for drinks. Even if she stops being shy, that doesn't mean she is going to like social situations.

My introverted boyfriend is actually much more outgoing and well-spoken than I am--he is just an introvert. He just finds social situations draining and would often prefer to avoid them. I have friend couples where one is really extroverted and one is really introverted and it works.

In these cases, they both come out and the introverted one is quiet and no one cares. We talk to the extroverted one a lot, the introverted one less because they seem not to want to. The introverted one is always polite though, just on the quiet side. I would consider myself extroverted and would have a hard time with someone who came with me places and just didn't talk.

But it works for these people because they don't feel like they need to care for each other in social situations. I think this is the key for you here. So there's a lot in your question I recognize. In fact, some part of me could have written a close version of it once upon a time. I don't consider myself an extrovert and definitely wouldn't be considered one by those who know me best , but I do need to go out into the world, even and sometimes especially to places where I don't know anyone.

Even if I'm by myself and I don't really talk to anyone, being out and about and around people on my way home from work makes me feel better sometimes than just heading home to the guy I love, who'd rather not join me. When I met him, I would have thought he was hugely extroverted - he had a huge circle of acquaintances and was popular among them I knew of him long before I met him , but as I fell in love with him, I realized that he was a boisterous introvert. He's not misanthropic, but given the choice, a lot of the time, he'd rather just be with the people to whom he's closest.

We were besotted and loved spending time together, and it never felt like there would be any sort of issue, even after a few years together, even after he moved in with me. But eventually, as we got into patterns, I defaulted to his preference, and though I still loved and preferred spending time together, the saying 'absence makes the heart grow fonder' exists for a reason.

A couple of years ago, he needed to return home to his family for a six month period, and during that time, I started going out again and being social in different patterns -- not because I was lonely but because I was bored. And doing that, I realized that I not only enjoyed these things but that doing them made me happier.

I was excited when he returned to our home city because I had all these new people, places and patterns I wanted to show him. And he liked it too, I think, because, in a way, I was more of the guy he had originally fallen for but now we were in a secure relationship where he didn't have to worry that I was going anywhere.

But, at first, I got frustrated, because if I asked him if he wanted to do X, he was comfortable enough to tell me the truth -- that he didn't necessarily want to which is not the same thing as saying he wouldn't do it, as I eventually learned.

And you know what? It doesn't matter one bit. I do my things sometimes. We do things together sometimes. Sometimes he wants to be there.

Sometimes he's humoring me. But we're happy and that's what matters. That would drive us both crazy. But he doesn't, and I don't. And if your girlfriend wasn't meeting you halfway, I'd say you have a problem. But it sounds like she really is. So, to be honest, as someone who has been in your shoes, I think you've got your priorities skewed. I can't get in your head and tell what you're thinking and how things feel, so I don't know if there's anything anyone can say that can get you to change that.

But I'm going to try. In relationships, you compromise. Sometimes you go to a movie or a concert that your partner wants to see or order the food that your partner wants, and you don't hate it but you aren't as excited about it as them.

What it sounds like you want is somebody who is as excited to be at every movie, every restaurant, every meal as you are. That's taking the analogy to a ridiculous extreme, but, to me, it is kind of ridiculous. You need to think - why do I want her to be this way? As long as she's happy and she's letting you do what you need to do, why would her being more extroverted be better than what you have now?

And once you come to that conclusion, figuring out why -- whether the 'her' in your imagination is your current partner or a future one -- consider how realistic this is. How sure are you that version of "better" is something that exists? To me, it sounds like a vaporous "wouldn't it be nice" but how nice? Someone you like to spend time with, someone you share interests with, someone you have a similar sexual appetite with, someone you "could spend an eternity holding each other and talking to each other and making each other laugh" -- those are all solid things that are very obvious pluses that you can understand.

Even if you didn't have them in your current relationship, I bet you could understand why they are important and valued. How important is this other thing you find lacking? Would it be more important than those other things? I think what you're responding to is a societal expectation that couples do things together and go from being two individuals socially to one unit.

People will sometimes ask, sometimes accost me when they discover I have a partner "why he isn't out with you? When they accost, I tell them because we aren't needy co-dependent freaks who have to spend every free moment together. There's nothing wrong with wanting to have a partner who you can do the things you like with, but if you spend your time looking for someone who likes everything you like in the exact same way, a you probably won't find her and b I bet you'd be super bored with her when you did.

You mention in your original post that you think that your "strengths are complementary"; I think maybe you should start looking at the fact that she doesn't need contact with or reassurances from the outside world as one of those strengths. What I'm saying is -- have you ever been in relationship with someone who was more of an extrovert than you? It can be awesome. But it can also be exhausting. However, if she's someone who has felt shy in the past, when you aren't harping her about it, she probably finds that part of you attractive.

Just because she isn't reacting to your social time with people in the way that would make you happy, don't think that she isn't content. If she's unhappy, it's her job to tell you that. Don't make trouble where none exists if you really love this woman. This is only anecdotal, but I don't know any happy couples where I'd call both of them extroverts. I'm sure that they are out there, and it's just my limited sample size, but I also think that the 'mismatch' is more of a norm than not.

Occasional, their other halves will join us to prove they exist, maybe - mine still hasn't , but usually it's just the social half of the couple being social by themselves happily. If, after all this reflection, this still feels 'dealbreaker' level important to you, just remember this: But this mismatch can be done and is being done happily every day.

You just have to examine and realign your expectations. On a related note, re: If you want to be in any sort of successful long term relationship, I'd work on that too. You can absolutely love someone even if you don't like something about them. I'm a big ole extravert engaged to an introvert. He isn't shy, and after he gets comfortable he isn't even necessarily quiet, but he just doesn't like to get out there and meet people on nearly the same level that I do.

We spend a lot more time at home than I'd like, because I really don't like to go out alone and he's hard to get out the door. The trade-off is that he's a fearless and savvy traveller, while I live and die by the guide books. Out travelling adventures are much more fun with his style than mine. Take some time to find some of your girlfriend's gifts that complement yours.

Just to comment on all the ridiculously insensitive answers you received early on the one written from your "gf's" point of view was particularly nasty --anyone who says they've NEVER considered breaking up with their partner, or fantasized a little about dating again during rough times is being completely disingenuous.

The important thing is that you're trying to understand her and work things out, and you're being honest about your feelings while you do it. Good luck to you both. If I were in your shoes, I would cool it off.

It sounds from your description like more work for both of you than is necessary or comfortable. If you feel that you would be more comfortable with an extroverted woman, then that's what you should try. Introverts and extraverts in a relationship actually push one another to grow and become better versions of themselves. Their differences help one another come out of their comfort zones, and overcome certain things they might struggle with.

The introvert who is normally uncomfortable with too much social interaction, will be forced to overcome this. They will be pushed into situations that they might need to experience, but otherwise would convince themselves to avoid.

This can really help the introvert discover what they are capable of, and help them grow as a person. The extravert will likely learn to become more self-aware, and will become better at looking into their own feelings and needs. With the introvert helping them analyze their thoughts, the extravert will feel more at ease with themselves.

It can really help them to grow and stop searching for social interaction as a way to cover up their feelings and needs. Having an introvert to help understand them, can really help the extravert to take a step back and relax a bit. When the introvert is feeling overwhelmed and does not want to push themselves in social settings, their extravert can often take the lead.

This can really make life easier for the introvert, especially during times when they are feeling exhausted and completely drained. They actually enjoy watching their extraverted partner receive this attention, and love watching the bloom. This pairing can really provide for one another in surprising and helpful ways.

They enjoy certain aspects of one another that they would not get with someone more similar to themselves. Introverts can help the extravert feel more confident in themselves, while the introvert can feel taken care of in ways that they never thought possible.

One person will possess what the other one lacks, which can be exciting and intriguing. They will often admire one another in unique ways, and enjoy seeing their partner in their elements. They will watch them with awe in many situations, especially when their extravert is being a social butterfly. The extravert will be completely in love with the way their introverts mind works.

They will be a bit perplexed, but also entirely intrigued with how their introvert can spend so much time inside of their own thoughts. The extravert likely finds themselves wanting desperately to be let into that unique little world. This pairing can really bring one another up, and inspire each other to grow.

2 comments

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